22 Aug A Nanny for My Anxiety
Yesterday sucked. I thought I was going to have a panic attack while eating lunch. It felt like the world was closing in and I was losing control of getting out before it crashed. I wanted to curl up and hide and cry. Sometimes I think I need a nanny for my inner child. What the hell was I supposed to do with these feelings in the middle of the day while eating a meatball sub in a sandwich shop? I’m a therapist for crying out loud, I can’t be seen losing it in public!
Having acute anxiety in public is a strange feeling. A deep fear rises up and it feels like you’re going to vomit, shit your pants and start speaking in tongues. You are afraid of a crazy you’ve never known; one that leaves you in the corner sucking your thumb, rocking back and forth, awaiting the paramedics. But this has never actually happened and most likely wouldn’t happen. No more meatballs.
Instead of being comforted by a nanny I went back to my office for nap time on my couch, hoping for some sort of therapy room osmosis healing. It didn’t work. I just woke up with a full bladder. Napping was the best hiding I could think of. I’m well aware that I cannot run from my predicament but let me hide in a nap every now and then, geeze.
It was one of those days where there’s nothing you can do but ride it out. Today is better — not great — but better. I have more energy to pretend that things are not as bad as they are — this is what “doing okay” means. When I have those types of days it sure is hard to have any perspective. It really does feel as though everything is wrong and I’m going to sink into eternal self-loathing. I’ve had these days enough to know that I would most likely not feel that way today. I was right.