25 Nov An Incendiary Transformation
I’m finding today and my current life in general to be incendiary – this word is used for stirring up conflict, fires, or an exciting and lively performance. It is not relational conflict that I am experiencing, although some of that is there, but an overall healthy friction with life. I feel that I have several fires burning about in my life, challenging me, growing me, and ultimately transforming me. I currently feel that I am changing. I feel that I’m in the middle of a spiritual and soulful shaping that is certainly not easy at times, filled with anxiety, confusion, excitement, and joy. There’s more anxiety than anything but that is the friction of both losing and finding myself all at the same time. I have “found” myself before, but this feels different. I feel naked, becoming bare to life, to the everyday, to the largeness of life. I feel a drawing closer to others and to something deeper within that connection. It is raw. I want to learn and read more than I have time for, and yet I want to allow all that information to change me by falling away from fixed concepts and understandings. I want bare experience of who I am as I live on this planet, but that feels like the scariest fucking thing in the world. Scary and exciting. I don’t think anything is worthwhile unless we feel both scared and excited. It is what changes us, challenges us, molds us.
Today is Thanksgiving 2010 and I feel moved by many things. I’m having email and facebook discussions with my family and friends about this day, Native Americans, terrorism, religions, books, learning. It is bringing me to a thoughtfulness about the global world, about the state of America and how it cannot go on too much longer without another disaster or collapse. It is bringing me to think about the culture I have been living in for these 34 years and how it’s all built on wiping out an entire culture who inhabited the land I currently live on. It’s snowing outside which always makes one feel more present. Thanksgiving always makes me think of family, especially now that I don’t live near mine and I miss them. It is a time that makes me think of what matters. Right now my son sits on my lap pulling my hands from the keyboard so I’ll read him a book. Tears are rolling down my face because I can’t believe how much I love him.
So this one day, as I think and read and interact, I can’t escape the reality of a transformation taking place that is both bringing me back to a bare Self and a large world.