A Deeper Truth | Can I Have a Job Please?
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Can I Have a Job Please?

Can I Have a Job Please?

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing in application for position #456789. My interest in said position reaches back as far as an hour ago when I saw the posting, and I would be thrilled at the opportunity to join your reputable organization. I believe my skill-set and pessimisstic attitude would truly offer your organization a thoughtful problem solver who can always see what’s broken.

This is my first time applying for a “real” job. Previously I have either known someone who helped me land a position, or I’ve applied for measly entry level positions that did not require much work. At the same time my previous position was in a very important management role and I am now currently self-employed. My ability to jump at advancement before I’m ready has been key to a so far unsuccessful career. My years in private practice have not contributed one iota (can you say iota in a cover letter?) to furthering my skill set in the work force. I left the work force because I mostly can’t stand people. Although I spend all day talking with people, they leave after an hour. Coworkers are there all day. I believe you will find little to no work-place conflicts with me as I often avoid and ignore people.

You may have noticed a couple years missing in my resume. Don’t worry, I was working. Those years were a time when I ditched the professional world. I worked as a landscape foreman and in two different warehouses. In one warehouse I put together fishing rods. I’ll tell you what, I used my degree in philosophy in those positions more than you would think. We talked a lot while we made fishing rods and I often discussed Kant and Nietzsche with the Pakistani man next to me. Further, when leading a crew of ex-convicts mowing lawns in Florida I learned a lot about group dynamics. Well rounded or what?

When it comes to hiring someone I believe you should talk to them. Anyone can write a cover letter that sounds like everyone else’s. I would highly suggest inviting me to your offices so that we can become better acquainted with each other. I haven’t decided yet if I would even take the position with you as I have many questions. From the description it seems as though you do not pay your employees very much and this would definitely need to be a part of our negotiations. As well, make sure the interview isn’t for a week or so because I need some time to read up on how to do a position like this. It seems that people get hired for seemingly knowing what they are talking about and I don’t want to miss an opportunity to present myself disingenuosly.

I’m sending this same cover letter out to about 10 other organizations so you’ll want to make a timely decision as I may even forget who you are. I appreciate you taking the time to read my cover letter and skimming my resume, missing all the best parts.


Mr. McCarty


  • Tara
    Posted at 11:29h, 20 August Reply

    this is absolutely 100% your best writing style…this is the tone your book needs to have. love it. i wrote a “real” cover letter once like this too and send it to my coworker…we got a great laugh out of it!!!:)

  • Papa McCarty
    Posted at 16:09h, 20 August Reply

    What a HOOT. I smiled all the way through it. 🙂

  • Katie Darling
    Posted at 17:33h, 24 October Reply

    I loved this! That’s how I wanted to write my APPIC cover letters. I probably should have, for all the responses I got from my formal one.

    • JMac
      Posted at 09:07h, 25 October Reply

      Thanks Katie! Glad you enjoyed it.

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