20 Aug Can I Have a Job Please?
To Whom It May Concern:
I am writing in application for position #456789. My interest in said position reaches back as far as an hour ago when I saw the posting, and I would be thrilled at the opportunity to join your reputable organization. I believe my skill-set and pessimisstic attitude would truly offer your organization a thoughtful problem solver who can always see what’s broken.
This is my first time applying for a “real” job. Previously I have either known someone who helped me land a position, or I’ve applied for measly entry level positions that did not require much work. At the same time my previous position was in a very important management role and I am now currently self-employed. My ability to jump at advancement before I’m ready has been key to a so far unsuccessful career. My years in private practice have not contributed one iota (can you say iota in a cover letter?) to furthering my skill set in the work force. I left the work force because I mostly can’t stand people. Although I spend all day talking with people, they leave after an hour. Coworkers are there all day. I believe you will find little to no work-place conflicts with me as I often avoid and ignore people.
You may have noticed a couple years missing in my resume. Don’t worry, I was working. Those years were a time when I ditched the professional world. I worked as a landscape foreman and in two different warehouses. In one warehouse I put together fishing rods. I’ll tell you what, I used my degree in philosophy in those positions more than you would think. We talked a lot while we made fishing rods and I often discussed Kant and Nietzsche with the Pakistani man next to me. Further, when leading a crew of ex-convicts mowing lawns in Florida I learned a lot about group dynamics. Well rounded or what?
When it comes to hiring someone I believe you should talk to them. Anyone can write a cover letter that sounds like everyone else’s. I would highly suggest inviting me to your offices so that we can become better acquainted with each other. I haven’t decided yet if I would even take the position with you as I have many questions. From the description it seems as though you do not pay your employees very much and this would definitely need to be a part of our negotiations. As well, make sure the interview isn’t for a week or so because I need some time to read up on how to do a position like this. It seems that people get hired for seemingly knowing what they are talking about and I don’t want to miss an opportunity to present myself disingenuosly.
I’m sending this same cover letter out to about 10 other organizations so you’ll want to make a timely decision as I may even forget who you are. I appreciate you taking the time to read my cover letter and skimming my resume, missing all the best parts.