08 Sep Finding Faith in the Unknown | OR | Deep in the Forest is My Self and God
The unknown should become a playground not a labratory. The Unknown has always frustrated me, twisted my being into all kinds of knots trying to find truth. I have wanted to nail things down, figure things out, tease out intricate nuances that help to clear a path of travel. But life always seems to trick me. Or maybe that clear path tricks me. It’s as though I walk into a path but that path is more like an illusory image that once I walk through it I am on the other side, in darkness.
I’ve always been afraid of the darkness. No, I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of uncertainty, of what I don’t know. A lot of this has to do with God, a being, a presence, a feeling, that I both know and don’t know. God lives in the darkness of uncertainty, waiting for me to patiently walk through the deep dark forest, trusting that he’s there. It is this kind of faith that I’m learning to have. I don’t know what it means theologically, but I slowly find God more and more in the darkness.
I have come to be calmed by this type of faith. Not a certainty in God, but a faith in God. Not in a certainty as to what I believe, but a faith that I can believe. Not a certainty in where I’m going, but a faith that allows me to let go and let my soul ride the wind. I’m not saying I’m totally there. I don’t ride the wind much longer than a second at this point but I’m getting better. At this rate, I’ll be able to ride the wind for an entire day once I reach about 85, so it’s a process. But it’s an exciting process. One where I get to be excited about the dark, about the unknown.
I’ve never felt comforted by slowing down into the unknown, but this seems to be slowly taking shape in my life. I feel calm. I feel comforted in the fact that I don’t know where I’m going but if I let go I will go everywhere I’m supposed to go. What’s even more interesting is that this is all taking place in the face of failure, of helplessness, of confusion, and fear. The more I tried to control my failure and confusion and fear, the worse and more depressing they became.
I will always find my way back to control. And I will always be reminded, usually over some amount of time, that it doesn’t work.
Right now I want to stroll into the unknown, into the darkness that feels like a field trip for big kids. I want to enter the forest, not in fear, but in curiosity and interest and excitement, and most importantly, awe.
Lastly, I want to say something about this whole piece of writing. It doesn’t even get at what I’m experiencing. As I read back through it I noticed it had some general things that others have said, like being okay with the unknown, etc. Language can only do so much, but I feel something more deeply than some self-help or even existential sound bite encouraging others to “live in the moment” or “live in uncertainty”. Those sound bites obviously arise out of experiential truths but the words, the language, just doesn’t suffice. I didn’t choose to face the uncertainty. I didn’t see that I was facing uncertainty and decide that my best option was to face that uncertainty. It’s more like I found myself here, lost in the woods, and the deeper and deeper I found myself, the more calm and relaxed I became. The more I liked it there/here.