12 Jun I Only Need to Be Me
Opening myself to this moment as it arises and not extending elsewhere always feels like coming home. I can often extend with thought, feelings, and wishes, but when I return to my being in the moment I feel more alive. The sunshine on my skin, the smell of various things, and the sounds of life. The senses are the doorway to the present moment and I can often miss stepping through.
As well, not extending too far away from myself, such as trying to impress others or make them happy, I feel much more together. I think of humpty dumpty with cracks in his shell when I begin to extend. When I bring the extensions back into myself, I feel more whole. I feel more me. I allow myself to be myself and not please others.
To really grasp the idea of not having to please others is the hardest work I continue to do. I guess I should say to really live as though I can be me, uniquely me, and not need that to be approved. Whether it is writing, doing my work, parenting, husbanding, or getting into design, it is very hard to please others but not have to please others – to accept another’s opinion and view and not feel that now I should think that way myself because I want their approval. I find my initial instinct is to quickly extend so that I can feel approved of, but then as soon as I extend I start to feel horrible. Why? Because this never, ever works and I obviously need to learn this many times in my life.
But you know what? The reminder is nice. Again, it’s like coming home. So I see it as always going out and exploring the world in different ways, always learning how to return home from those excursions. As I move further out into the world and explore, challenging myself to grow and change and live, the more I come up against the choice to return home when I need to or get completely lost. Once I return home I can then go back out again. But I must come home for some rest and assurance that I am okay within my own self – that no matter how many new experiences I have or how many new people I meet, I only need to be me.
I only need to be me and that me is always living right this second.