A Deeper Truth | i still don’t know what the fuck i want to be when i grow up!
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i still don’t know what the fuck i want to be when i grow up!

i still don’t know what the fuck i want to be when i grow up!

I just posted the following on Twitter:

how can it be that my interests and gifts are not actually in what i WANT to be doing?

What do I mean by this?  Well, recently I got very into blog and web design.  I still am to some degree but not nearly as much.  It was like some kind of manic engrossment that has settled.  But what hasn’t settled is a desire to be creative, to enjoy aesthetics, to design.  I have always struggled with being content as a counsellor.  There is always something “else” I feel I should be doing.  I thought it was teaching.  Just did that and although the more I do it the better it will probably get, I don’t think that’s it.  And when I try all these other options, like being a manager of an addictions facility, teaching, blog design, what have you, I tend to come back to my interests in counselling, psychology, helping others, and exploring the meaning of life.  I don’t think I’ll ever get over the more existential questions in life, if I even want to, but I wonder why I have this desire to be a designer.

I love aesthetics, I love creating, but I really like design.  I like being able to say, “i did that.”  I don’t have that kind of accomplishment in my work with clients.  I just like the word design.  I like the word designer.  I’ve also liked the word “writer.”  Do I just glamorize certain professions?  Am I just getting trapped again in happiness being somewhere else?  Maybe, I’m not sure.

But when it comes down to it, if you asked me what I want to be doing as a job for the rest of my life, it isn’t counselling.  I don’t even think it’s teaching.  I want to do something creative, something with ideas, moving ideas, meeting with others, consulting in the world in ways that makes an impact on existential realities but in a way that is artful.  I dont’ even know what that would look like.  I can easily pathologize myself and say I’m just never satisfied, which might be true, but it does always feel that I’ve still not found my niche in work, in purpose.  But then, neither do most people in the way I’m describing it.

What makes me so special that I deserve the perfect feel good job and purpose?  I’ve been doing some counselling with teenagers lately and some of my observations when I worked in treatment continue to be confirmed.  I’m almost 35 and my generation on down have too many options, too many choices.  We’ve been told we can do anything.  We end up feeling entitled, that we deserve happiness.  Some of these clients I’ve been working with are lost.  Kids today don’t know themselves; don’t know how to live without mom and dad; don’t know what they want to do.  They can do anything they’ve been told.  This is somewhat true but also not true.  I think I’m getting off track as I was going to write an article more on this entitled the Lost Generations.

Interesting that this is where I went with this article.  And even if that’s all true, I still want to be in a more creative profession.  I don’t WANT to be a helper but I AM a helper.  I have a good sense of psychology and change processes.  That said, sometimes I wonder if I am better at writing and communicating ideas and concepts than I am at actually helping people to change.  I can see that I do help people but I do wonder.  What I actually am willing to study is more psychological and spiritual ideas and philosophies.  I probably wouldn’t even be motivated enough to read about design.  But I want to.  I used to say that I wanted to want to write.  I want to want to be a designer.  Am I just not willing to do the work?  Who knows.

So maybe I’m still on this journey, a journey that many folks in these younger generations are on.  A journey that all workers these days are on because the days of working somewhere for 25 years to get a watch are over.  So I will continue on, hoping that somehow I can combine my love for creativity and thought provoking ideas, with a desire for deep change and freedom in the human being.

  • valene
    Posted at 21:22h, 12 July Reply

    We all struggle with this in one way or another. althouh I’m pumped about my current undertaking, I’m sure after 5 yrs of it, i’ll be ready to move on. All u can do is enjoy the journey and take the life experiences with you. If nothing else, ur gonna have great stories to tell ur babies (which is priceless)!!!!

  • stacy
    Posted at 05:02h, 13 July Reply

    “the days of working somewhere for 25 years to get a watch are over” there you hit it i think. in my experience it is possible – over a lifetime – to continue to morph your vocation and avocation to suit your financial needs and internal motivations. think in decades.

  • bob wonder
    Posted at 21:40h, 21 July Reply

    I have done so much as well. I have had an article that I need to write and then all I want to do is write. Then, when my wife is away and I am a “single parent” all I want to do is to raise my girls. I am not sure where this goes. But I do know that I don’t want to limit myself. Every ache, every longing that I crave – I know that I must see through or what is the point. How the hell will I know what I want to do until it is tried and past over or kept.

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