08 Aug I Went to Work Today
I went to work today. I didn’t like it. It didn’t feel good. I don’t think I’ll go back. Just not interested anymore. When I’m done, I’m done. I dated a girl for a day once. It wasn’t right. I didn’t feel right. I can wander along in something of interest for any period of time and when I’m done, I’m out. Like that. I can’t even wait around for the right moment. I just rip the band aid off, lick my wound and focus on something else.
Maybe it’s immature. Maybe it’s me. I don’t know. I do have a family I need to support. I guess I’ll go back tomorrow.
But what if I didn’t?
What if I just got in the car and drove and didn’t stop, like Forrest Gump, until I was done. He ran. I’d drive. Where would I go? Does it matter? I need absolute and complete random freedom to explore and go on an adventure right now. I used to love just moving on when I was single. It kind of makes me anxious to think about now. I didn’t realize I’d be such a pussy at 40.
You can’t just up and take off when you have a wife and kids that need you. I’d probably make it 5 hours away before I turned around because I missed them. I wouldn’t even be able to do it.
But what if I did?
I’d roam for awhile. It’s like I need times of structure and consistency and then I need to let loose and fly without a parachute. I have too many parts of my self to manage a normal life. I can only be a grown up for so long before it gets really really old and stale and feels like I just might die from boredom and repetition. When I can be a grown up I like it. I like being a grown up. I always wanted to be one. They seemed to have it all together. They could buy whatever they wanted. They could eat Lucky Charms. I like having my life together. Responsible.
And then BAM! I hate it. Responsibility starts to wear on me like an out of date outfit that I can’t get off fast enough. I told my wife the other day that I am so grossed out by my work that I hate my pointy shoes. Fucking pointy shoes and responsible manager man. Shit, I might even be a manager again someday, maybe even move further up the chain of in-chargeness. But not tomorrow.
Tomorrow I have somewhere else to be.
If you could go anywhere you could go tomorrow without having to fly across the world where would you go. If you seriously had nothing holding you back where would you go? Would you drive, ride a bike, walk, run, take a train? Don’t take a bus. The bus is too creepy. Do you know where you would go yet? What would it take for you to just go? And what would going give you? Do it!
Am I going to do it? Nah, I got work to do.