28 Aug INDECISION
I step into the forest because I’m bored. Although I know where I came from I don’t go back. I begin exploring paths that lead to interesting directions. I double back after not actually finding anything interesting. It seemed interesting from afar but the closer I got it wasn’t really anything. When I double back to the main path I look toward the direction from which I came. Should I go back? I know it so well. Why wouldn’t I just stay there? It took a while to create that area. I know its landscape well. I don’t know all there is to know, but it is familiar.
Each time I glance back I feel an uncertainty. The draw to the variety of paths in the forest is exciting. It is an adventure. So I move on to another path, exploring all there is to explore within its confines. I look up and down and around. All of a sudden there’s another path and I take that one. This one is quite interesting but there is now a huge rock cliff to climb up and I don’t want to climb so I take the low path running off and away from the cliff in another direction. I am in a clearing now with woods on all sides of me. There are so many options, so many entries back into the forest I don’t know where to go. So I sit down. Then I lie down. Stare at the sky and wonder if the stars feel as confused as I. They just act like stars and stay where they are. I get lost in the sky, it is endless, and I start floating. I don’t like floating so I stand up and run toward the woods. I see an entry in a new direction and take it.
Back in the woods I feel purposeful again, but not settled. I have not yet arrived anywhere. I must keep moving. I make my way up a small hill in the path with brush and rock and tree creeping in. The path seems worn but there is some over-growth. I push some out of the way and make it up and over the small hill. As I descend and calm my pace I come to a small body of water. There are trees growing up out of the water. It can’t be deep. I can walk to the right around the water or I can walk left. Choice.
I start walking to the left and realize my hand is bleeding from pushing away the brush. This seems weird to me because I barely touched it. I suck my finger and taste metal. I continue forward periodically nursing my finger trying to see what’s up ahead. I’m having a hard time seeing as there are lots of trees and the water seems to keep going. This frustrates me. The scenery isn’t changing. Now I’m confused. Do I go back? Do I keep moving forward? Why did I even come in here? Did I even have a reason? Boredom, that’s right. But now I feel bored with the redundancy of neverending choice. I feel bored with the fact that these trees and this water won’t cease and make way for something new and exciting.
There is a tree stump. I sit down. I close my eyes and listen. I hear my heart beating and small bird in the distance. The water is still and there isn’t much breeze. I take a couple deep breaths and ask myself what I should do. Do I keep going or do I go back?