15 Jun Money Not-So-Goodness
If I think about the one thing that causes me the most grief in my life, its money. I’m sure we all feel that if we just had a bit more of it, we would be happier, feel more secure, and feel more freedom. I know I do. And you know what? It’s true, isn’t it? Like cmon, seriously! I remember something Jim Carey said in Liar, Liar to his son when discussing what’s most important is what’s on the inside of someone: “that’s just what ugly people say.” Trying to have a philosophical or spiritual outlook on money where you accept what you have and say, “money should not matter” is just something poor people say.
You know what? I have no idea where I’m going with this post. I just know I wanted to write about money today and I don’t feel like trying to figure out where I’m headed. I know this: I can’t seem to get a grasp on my financial life. My father is probably curling his toes as we speak reading these lines. He’s deathly afraid for me and my financial immaturity. I don’t have the same fears that he does but maybe that is partly why I am not that good with money. Now, it’s not like I spend money all the time on useless things, I just don’t say no to the smaller things when I should.
This week I am low on clients for whatever reason, and this always stresses me out. Ever since going into private practice my client numbers have been where I needed them at that time and when I began to worry things would always work out. The whole time. So I’m trying not to worry because if history repeats itself, I will be getting a rush of new clients soon. It’s already sort of started. I hate worrying about this though. It causes so much stress, and worry does nothing. So what do I really want to say about this today?
What if I just accepted that I’m going to be bad with money forever? What if I just accepted that I’ll live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of my life? Not accepting it would be living in denial or wishing for a future that might never come. Might it be irresponsible? Maybe, but who fucking cares. I’ve got better things to do with my time than worry. It’s not like I don’t put time and effort into my endeavors. I do trust that at some point I will make a decent income. And if I don’t, this just might be one of those areas where I am limited for the rest of my life. Why not accept that? Why not let go? The paradox I know to be true in regards to this is that once I fully accept this problem I will be able to do something about it.
Accepting it and living in debt and financial not-so-goodness feels revolutionary to me. I live in shame about it cause it is one of the most important things to my father. Letting all that go and accepting that I’m bad with money? Sound crazy doesn’t it? I kind of like crazy. I mean, it’s not like I’m absolutely irresponsible, my wife and I are doing the envelope system for crying out loud? Have you ever lived on cash like that? It’s annoying. But you know what. I’ve still used my credit card for a couple things since. Hence, I sort of get it, but not completely. But for now, I “rob Peter to pay Paul” as my father always says, which I have no idea the meaning. Did Peter and Paul have a joint account or something?
But maybe this is just who I am and how I will live my life. I wish it were different, I wish I could teach my kids better.
But for now, I can’t. I don’t. I got money problems. Not wanting to have money issues is my 84th problem.