04 Aug my personality disorder | multiple
Sometimes I wonder if I have multiple personality disorder. It is now called dissociative identity disorder (DID). The interesting thing about being a therapist is realizing you have some aspect of all that is in the DSM IV, unless you are in raging denial and think your shit smells like roses. Most people know that we are all on the continuum of pathology because we are all human beings. But then you take my anxiety and my overcritical nature and you get fears that I am worse off than others when it comes to certain pathological diagnoses. I’ll read the descriptions of mental illnesses and think, “I’m not too far off from that.” My mother is sort of a low level hypochondriac so you can see where I get it. She’s more afraid of catching a life threatening disease. I’m more afraid of losing my mind – although sometimes I’d like to spend a month in the psych ward. Vacation.
If you read this blog at all, god bless you, you’d realize that there are quite a few different personalities that come through. Further, if you actually know me you know that I don’t look the same for very long. I change my identity quite often. Lately I think it’s more of an enjoyment of aesthetics but for now let’s just pathologize it. Sometimes I do struggle with my place in the world so we’ll stick with my confusion being the cause of all my personalities.
So what are some of these personalities?
1. Gill, this was the first personality to show up other than Jason. In high school I was working through some deep anger and just didn’t give a shit about anything. My friend Matt gave me this nickname cause at the time I was wearing this Gilligan looking hat and was very negative. From time to time after those years I have noticed Gill return. I really like Gill. I appreciate what he offers me. He allows me to care a bit less. He can also be quite funny.
2. Judgmental Jason – everyone else is an asshole.
3. Angrily compassionate Jason – people who judge and grossly make assumptions about others with stupid information can make me very angry. Yes, I understand that I am being judgmental toward them as well, but the reasoning is not the same. Take a logic class.
4. Empathic and Understanding Jason – this person meets people as soon as they share pain with me. Man am I right there to be with people through this stuff. I am willing to understand anyone in a painful struggle and show them that I understand.
5. Intellectual Jason – this person just devours knowledge and only ever wants to spend time reading and thinking.
6. Goofy Jason – this person mostly comes out at home with my wife and kids and many people would be surprised at how seriously ridiculous I can get.
7. Spiritual Jason – this person feels deeply and wants to connect that to truth.
8. Honest Jason – Sometimes I want to just be so radically honest but then get scared how others will judge me. Sometimes I want to completely let loose on this blog, sharing my deepest self. I wonder then if I’d be whoring myself.
9. Scared and fearful Jason – he has been around more in recent years.
10. Strong Jason – he’s had a hard time showing up in these later years.
All of these aspects serve a purpose in my life. Right now Gill is here. I am in a “i don’t want to care, fuck it” sort of mode and it always feels good to return here sometimes. It feels freeing. I can often feel very alive in Gill’s shoes. I know he’s not me. He is helpful though. He helps me to radically accept myself. He can just be a bit over the top in his abrasiveness. I know all of these are not ME. I can experience the ME behind all these personalities. Personality is not Being.