30 Apr Should’ve Gone to Art School
I remember trying to decide what I wanted to do after high school. My parents wanted me to go to college but I had no interest in school. I was unhappy and angry back then and the last thing I wanted to do was continue on with school, something I did not excel at.
So I thought about going to photography school. I had taken several years of photography in high school and liked it. I never thought of myself as creative back then but I did enjoy photography. I remember taking an art class elective and I just was not good at drawing. I remember sitting in my living room with my parents, feeling frustrated and confused inside about my future. I remember looking into photography school. But there was one major thing I couldn’t do in photography school: play soccer.
So I went back to looking at colleges. I applied to all the easiest ones after not getting into my alma mater. I went to junior college my freshman year and then transferred to my alma mater. I wanted to play soccer where my big brother played soccer. So I did. The only reason that I went to college and the only reason I stayed in college, was to play soccer. Along the way I happened to get stimulated by a philosophy class. The rest is history and after graduating college with a bachelors in humanities/philosophy, I now have a masters degree and am considering a Phd. But I still wonder at this whole progression. Yes, I am a thinker. But is this my true passion? Is this who I am? Sometimes I wonder if I am just really good at playing along, like some sociopath.
Why did I enjoy photography when I was younger? Why do I like it now? Why do I like designing websites? Why do I love aesthetics in landscape design? Why do I love interior design? Why do I sometimes crave making things with my hands and getting dirty? Why do I get so bored with my profession, with helping people, and why do I get so bored with conventional education and intellectual nurturing? Should I have gone to art school?
Going to art school wouldn’t have made any sense when I was younger because I sucked at any traditional art mediums. Photography school might have made more sense at the time. I can see going to art school now and finding an applicable medium to focus on. Either that or I would go to art school and try and do everything, never choosing any one medium. I know I can’t draw so that’s out. But pottery, graphic design, writing, multi-media. Oh, I don’t know — I’m too lazy really. I do remember dreaming about it one time. Not like an actual dream but one where you fantasize about how great the experience would be. I’m definitely good at that — living in la-la-land.
But seriously. Who goes to art school for a career? For a career that can support a family? What are the odds of one’s creative endeavor paying the bills? When does practical trump the passionate? When do others matter more than yourself? I don’t know.
I’ve always just wanted a clear purpose. And I want it to be creative. I want to lose myself in an artistic endeavor and feel satisfaction at the end of the day. Like I did something. Like I produced something. Like I left something around that said I actually lived here.
The other day I had this vision that I was becoming my mother. She taught ballet to little girls for a long time and I think we both hated it but only I knew. She stopped and became an artist. Although she hasn’t been creating for awhile, that’s what she is. I wonder if I am wasting away at helping other people find themselves and their passion and purpose in this life, while mine wastes away in the recesses of my dreaming mind.