02 Apr The Well-Fed Tiger
feeling trapped is a feeling i have never done well with. i’m not sure anyone does really, but if my perception is that i am trapped (which might not be everyone else’s perception given the same situation) i don’t do well. i sink. i begin to feel hopeless and helpless and i want to be rescued. i hate this feeling. what would i help a client to do. sit with it. stop hating it and listen to it. but instead, i’m going to just sit here and write about it for now to take the edge off.
it takes me to a place of panic. i want to just act, and act quickly. i disregard reason and logic, they do not exist. i do not care. i just want out. i lose all sense of responsibility, of being a grown up, and i just want to do what i want to do.
there is a tingling in my face, a gnashing of my teeth, and an emptiness inside filled with fear. how can an emptiness be filled with something (fear)? it covers the lining of the empty area and stretches out to the edges of my skin, leaving my organism feeling the danger of existence.
i also freeze. because i can’t necessarily do what i want, which is flee, and fighting is sort of an option, i usually freeze. i am stuck between my child and my adult. i hate when they don’t get along.
i envision all other lives as safe and comfortable. i look around or think of those i know and wonder how nice it must be to have their freedom and comfort. i disregard rational thought here and decontextualize my problem and their comfort. envy beats me down and begins dangling all sorts of carrots in front of my face.
i lose all desire to eat. allowing substance from the world into my organism is not an option. when in protection mode, opening up, welcoming in, is not an option. jaw clenched and throat nauseous are bodily experiences keeping the world out.
what i want to do is plant my feet solid in position and swing. swing hard. i hate being frozen and want to allow my anger to mobilize me. i value my anger more than many aspects of me. it is my friend, my gift to myself. move over fear, in comes anger like a well fed tiger.
energy rises up and fills the emptiness. protection becomes a reality as i take control of my fate and fight. i move, i mobilize. fear is there, not far, but not in control. it makes attempts to be heard and take over, but the well fed tiger says not today. it says things like “fuck this” and “i don’t think so” when noticing danger encroaching. the well fed tiger always knows where the boundaries are and naturally draws them without question. listen to the tiger, listen to the tiger, listen to the tiger.